What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your involvement.What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your involvement.
Since I was young, my family kept encouraging me to pursue my dream. They have always supported my future decisions (before you say this you should state why you are following their footsteps) From that moment, I decided to follow my parents footsteps by joining their career. I was determined to make a good reputation and increase the popularity of their company throughout Indonesia. My background was a traditional Asian family and was privileged to be the only son in the family. Being the only son, my parents have high expectations of me in academics. (need rephrasing)
My parents have been my role model since I was a young boy. They are always dedicated and work very hard to see their business succeed. During my high school years, I would help my parents in their business activities by, for example, attending to clients and learning some of the complex ( another word replacement) duties. My parents also have stakes in the Garment industry. I do visit their factory once in a while and see how they make clothes. From the industry, I also visit their retail stores where they sell clothes so as to have the experience of how businesses operate. I also happen to accompany my parents to Guangzhou severally where they transact business with foreigners. My mum is always keen in ensuring that I understand every concept of their business operations. She explains everything in details to ensure I grasp all that entails running a successful business.
Am passionate of what they do and the efforts they have put in raising the business from scratch. For success in business, they emphasize on hard work, communication and passion. They divide duties among themselves where mum oversees the designing of the clothes while dad is in charge of the management and financial aspects of the business. They are my motivation as I look forward to becoming an entrepreneur.
From all the above-stated details, I know I can only realize my dream career by undertaking a course in Business Administration. The major in Business Administration has various areas of study in business that will develop my leadership, communication, and entrepreneurial skills. stronger vocabulary required, needs more convincing words
you have not clearly said the reason you want to join your parents industry in the opening paragraph
you need to be more precise and convincing that your parents indeed played a big role in your career decision.
In the second para, too much stating and no link towards how much you appreciate learning

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your involvement.

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.
Since I was young, my family kept encouraging me to pursue my dream. They have always supported my future decisions (before you say this you should state why you are following their footsteps) From that moment, I decided to follow my parents’ footsteps by joining their career. I was determined to make a good reputation and increase the popularity of their company throughout Indonesia. My background was a traditional Asian family and was privileged to be the only son in the family. Being the only son, my parents have high expectations of me in academics. (need rephrasing)
My parents have been my role model since I was a young boy. They are always dedicated and work very hard to see their business succeed. During my high school years, I would help my parents in their business activities by, for example, attending to clients and learning some of the complex ( another word replacement) duties. My parents also have stakes in the Garment industry. I do visit their factory once in a while and see how they make clothes. From the industry, I also visit their retail stores where they sell clothes so as to have the experience of how businesses operate. I also happen to accompany my parents to Guangzhou severally where they transact business with foreigners. My mum is always keen in ensuring that I understand every concept of their business operations.  She explains everything in details to ensure I grasp all that entails running a successful business.
Am passionate of what they do and the efforts they have put in raising the business from scratch. For success in business, they emphasize on hard work, communication and passion. They divide duties among themselves where mum oversees the designing of the clothes while dad is in charge of the management and financial aspects of the business. They are my motivation as I look forward to becoming an entrepreneur.
From all the above-stated details, I know I can only realize my dream career by undertaking a course in Business Administration. The major in Business Administration has various areas of study in business that will develop my leadership, communication, and entrepreneurial skills.

–    stronger vocabulary required, needs more convincing words
–    you have not clearly said the reason you want to join your parents industry in the opening paragraph
–    you need to be more precise and convincing that your parents indeed played a big role in your career decision.
–    In the second para, too much stating and no link towards how much you appreciate learning

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your involvement.

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.
Since I was young, my family kept encouraging me to pursue my dream. They have always supported my future decisions (before you say this you should state why you are following their footsteps) From that moment, I decided to follow my parents’ footsteps by joining their career. I was determined to make a good reputation and increase the popularity of their company throughout Indonesia. My background was a traditional Asian family and was privileged to be the only son in the family. Being the only son, my parents have high expectations of me in academics. (need rephrasing)
My parents have been my role model since I was a young boy. They are always dedicated and work very hard to see their business succeed. During my high school years, I would help my parents in their business activities by, for example, attending to clients and learning some of the complex ( another word replacement) duties. My parents also have stakes in the Garment industry. I do visit their factory once in a while and see how they make clothes. From the industry, I also visit their retail stores where they sell clothes so as to have the experience of how businesses operate. I also happen to accompany my parents to Guangzhou severally where they transact business with foreigners. My mum is always keen in ensuring that I understand every concept of their business operations.  She explains everything in details to ensure I grasp all that entails running a successful business.
Am passionate of what they do and the efforts they have put in raising the business from scratch. For success in business, they emphasize on hard work, communication and passion. They divide duties among themselves where mum oversees the designing of the clothes while dad is in charge of the management and financial aspects of the business. They are my motivation as I look forward to becoming an entrepreneur.
From all the above-stated details, I know I can only realize my dream career by undertaking a course in Business Administration. The major in Business Administration has various areas of study in business that will develop my leadership, communication, and entrepreneurial skills.

–    stronger vocabulary required, needs more convincing words
–    you have not clearly said the reason you want to join your parents industry in the opening paragraph
–    you need to be more precise and convincing that your parents indeed played a big role in your career decision.
–    In the second para, too much stating and no link towards how much you appreciate learning