You are missing a couple of main components of the paper, including an acknowledgment of the audience, and a persuasive thesis (at the end of your first paragraph). I think you have some good ideas for possible solutions, and they seem to be clearly stated, but the beginning of the paper seems a little unfocused.

Please continue to the Organizational Outline, you may be able to use some of what you have here, just making adjustments to the order of the paper.